Divine Time

For most of my life, I felt responsible for the lives of just about everyone around me. Their stability, happiness, and success were daily items on my “To Do List”. I was the motivator, the cheerleader, the supporter, the fixer, the rescuer and boy were my shoulders tired. No one ever interviewed me for the job nor was I asked to volunteer – it just came to be. This was my part in my family’s dynamic and I never complained. Don’t we all have roles to fill when it comes to family? This job was rooted to my core, and, as such, I attracted friendships and intimate relationships where my skills were honed.

Thankfully, I’ve come to realize I am not responsible for the change in someone, nor am I responsible for their happiness. To say I feel lighter, is an understatement.

Almost two years ago, I became single again for the first time in ten years. It was such a weird mix of emotions and sensations – sadness, anger, frustration, self doubt (knots the size of boulders in my stomach, tenderness in my lower back, shoulders tighter than a taut rubber band) peacefulness, awareness, self love (warmth extending to every nerve ending, lightness in my steps, tingles in my stomach). And while I expected all of the above to happen, what I didn’t expect was to feel empty – a gaping hole of nothing.

It took me some time, but I figured out the gaping hole was not having someone in my life to be responsible for – to take care of and to put their needs first. My body craved the sensations of giving my entire self to another person. When all you know is cold, who thinks to ask for a blanket?

The Universe is funny. I think it likes to have laughs at the expense of us, but in fairness to the Universe, it’s all about teaching lessons. The Universe began to throw people in my life who were selfish and only knew “taking”. At first, I grabbed on tight to each person and quenched my body’s hunger. However, with each person I latched onto, it took me less and less time to realize I was being tested and I needed to walk away.

I find it interesting that with the time I have now to devote to my dreams – my creative journey, that I still find myself looking to fill my head and life with other’s dreams and paths. Time. I have time now. But with time comes a tremendous amount of responsibility – time management, meeting goals, filling space, seeing dreams come true. Time. It’s now to a point where I feel overwhelmed. There is so much I want to do, say, feel, participate in that I end up not being able to do any of it because my brain won’t slow down.

My challenge, now, is to look within for the answers and to trust in God and Spirit that everything I want is being paved for me. It’s a tough challenge for this gal who likes to be in charge and in control. However, as far as challenges go, I rather enjoy knowing God has a plan for me and we are co-creating together.

BREATHE… BREATHE… BREATHE…

~ by Michele Mattia on 2007, August 8.